This will be the last – you are now dead to me



My Island

All alone in the world

Right now, it’s my private island

Sitting and waiting for the days to pass

Alone in the dark, my feelings are heightened


I had these visions of you and me

And the life that we’d live forever

And now I know, it was just foolishness

It was not mine to have, not ever


I’ll count the days, the moments, the breaths

Until it’s all thrown assunder

When I depart from this world, for a better place

Just me, myself and my wonder


And will I still think of what could have been

And what I have given away

Or will it just pass like a ship in the night

A distant memory long gone astray


My love takes a beating, my heart  all but broken

I hope that one day I’ll fix

That once I am in that better place

There will be someone who doesn’t play tricks


Someone who’s honest, who values my time

And someone who cares for my love

Maybe one day I’ll find that person indeed

Someone that values me, just me, far above

First time in my life that I need to make a decision for myself alone, and I’m paralysed

Don’t know if I should stay or go, waivering from day to day

Frustrating really

Feel like my entire life has been dictated by others, and I don’t know how to listen to me

Spending months and months waiting for this one or for that one

Not moving forward because there’s something just around the corner that’s more important than me

My time less valuable than everyone else’s

I know I chose to do that, but it’s difficult to not feel handicapped by it now

To not feel like others had the opportunity to build their “selfish” skills, and I didn’t because I needed to help make the path for them

My life, wasted away in chunks of other people’s ideas and needs

Five years here, two years there

Three years for one, a year for someone else

And I can’t begin to imagine what my heart wants because its wants have never mattered

Such a waste of a life

What can we say…

I forgive you

Let’s try now

Mistakes have been made, let’s not keep making more

I love you

I want you

I’m fixed now

Wanna come over

Let’s go for drinks

Can we talk

I’m sorry for my part

What a fuck up

I want to be with you

So many things to say… but I think you don’t want to say any of them. I think I’m dead to you, and no amount of begging, pleading or explaining will ever fix it. So, this is now my purgatory. Knowing that I couldn’t have you in the beginning, and knowing that I can’t have you now.

Hello my love


I love you

I love all of you

I love your eyes

And your perfect teeth

I love your legs

Especially the two raised freckles behind your knee

I love your calves

And your perfect hands

Even if you’re so self conscious that you hide them whenever I look

I love you

Not for a good time

Not for a quick fling

Not for a one night stand

I love the idea of waking up next to you

I love the idea of sitting on the couch with you

I love the idea of holding your hand and going for a walk

I love how you kiss

I love how you laugh

I love how you write

I love you

All of you

Your strength and your weakness

Your highs and your lows

Your anger and happiness

Your tired mornings and sleepy weekends

It’s you, and only you


How could you go on so many dates

With women you didn’t know

And profess profound feelings for me

While constantly saying no

And why was it so difficult

To get to talk to you

When all those strangers got your time

Did they get to kiss you too?

Why did you give so freely

While pushing me away

And when I finally said goodbye

You said that I betrayed

I wasn’t the one uninvested

I wasn’t the one who said no

I wasn’t the one who betrayed you

It’s you that made it so

If someone wants to love you

They’ll fight to find a way

With me all I heard from your mouth?

I need another day

My days are running out

And my heart is growing small

I only wish I’d walked earlier

It’s now me that will take the fall

I’d like to say I still love you

Although I have no reason why

You certainly don’t deserve it

I guess that’s why I still cry

Perhaps one day you’ll realise

The drama that you made

The pain that I felt on the inside

The path that you have laid

While angry words fall from my lips

If I had just one more go

I’d wish to have you here with me

And never hear another no

I’d snuggle in your arms

I’d stroke your new cut hair

I’d be forever happy

Just to know that you were there