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19 Tuesday May 2015
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Depression, Faith, Fear, Frustration, Relationships, Trust, Truth
Dear Brain,
Sometimes I love you, but sometimes, I really hate you.
You’re so clever, and the way that you put jokes together is really funny, even if no one else gets them. I do, and I find you hilarious. I can understand why others won’t get your humour, but you need to know that I do, and on some days, when the sun hardly shines, your humour gets me through. Also, the way that you join the dots… you know, sometimes it does take you a bit of a while, but once you get there, my word, you’re good! You learn so quickly, and the excitement that you feel when you apply principles to different areas… well, let’s just say that it’s awesome to see. Your glee is palpable, and it’s so cool to be a part of it. One of the things I admire most about you is how quick you are (generally). People notice that kind of stuff, and they’ve commented to me before that you’re amazingly intelligent. You should be proud of that Brain. I know you’re not, but you should be! Not many people get to read as fast, or add such big numbers, or remember the stuff that you remember, and while I know it burdens you, there are many who would give their kingdoms for the same. You’re also pretty talented you know. I’ve noticed that you’re generally quite good at everything you try – and you’ve never really had to try hard to make things work, it’s just come naturally, not like other people who really have to put in some effort. You’re good at stuff! These things are things that you should be proud of, and you should revel in that pride.
I will admit that while this is the longest relationship I’ve had, it’s been pretty tough at times. I wouldn’t want to do without you, but sometimes I wish you’d just relax a little. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but you’re really tightly wound, and I can see that it causes great consternation. I’ll often try to stop you, but you’re so stubborn, that it’s almost impossible I think. It’s disappointing. Not for me, of course, but because of what it means that you’ll miss out on. While everyone else is smelling the flowers, you’re worried about the bees that will be attracted. And when everyone is having fun on a sunny day, you’re worried about sunburn and how you’ll look. I know that sometimes you feel utterly useless, and you wish that you could just go to sleep, and not wake up, but I need to say that you will feel better at some point. You really just need to let that stuff go. It doesn’t matter what people think of you, how mean they are, or if they give as much as you. You just need to be you. That’s it. You know, there are times when you’re freaking out so badly, and I have no idea how to help you. You go off the deep end, and won’t listen to reason, even if it’s clear to see. It’s so frustrating, and if I’m honest about it, it’s embarrassing. Your temper tantrums are so unreasonable, and I’m pretty sure that if you just stopped and thought about it for two seconds, you’d see a way through the fog. Sometimes I wonder if you like wallowing in your misery that you’ve created. I don’t know. Sometimes it’s just so draining to listen to you ramble on about stuff that doesn’t even matter, trying to get you moving again, because you’ve stagnated in a bad space.
I’m not sure why you are so unsure of yourself – perhaps it was something from your past, or just a bad combination of chemicals. Either way, I guess it doesn’t matter, because you are you. I just wanted to let you know that I accept you for all of your faults, I will do my best to hold you up when you fall, and although it’s incredibly taxing sometimes, I don’t want to be without you.
Yours Faithfully and Forever
Me
18 Monday May 2015
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