I don’t know how long it’s been
Maybe 2 weeks or so
The time that I’ve spent with my friend Anguish
My friend, and his friends Hate, Fear, Sadness and Loathing
I’ve sat patiently with them
Wishing that I could get away,
But I can’t
There’s no escape
The last three days were our crescendo
The beautiful peak at the top
Or is it the deepest of valleys?
I suppose it depends on your perspective
I have shaken, bitten, ground, fidgetted, twitched, jerked, cried
Unconsolably and unashamedly
At home, in public, anywhere and everywhere
While my friends keep me trapped
I know I need to act
I need to do something
But for a few days, I have no solution
I can’t see an out… well, all but one
It’ll hurt the people I know, for just a little while
But they’ll get over it because I am worthless and useless and unlovable
It won’t matter
I want to fight – I hope you see that
But I don’t know how
Something like getting in the ring with Mike Tyson
His gloves poised to break you
And you, no proud cloak, no pristine gloves wrapped professionally
You’re bare foot, bare handed, bare bodied, and weak
He will take you down with one swing
With his wrecking-ball hand
Crushed like a bug
I do want to put up a fight, really, I do
Sometimes the best thing is to sleep
Take a tablet, wait for the blackness to come
But it doesn’t, like always,
It hides in the corner of my bedroom, taunting me
I slip into it, then I’m awake
Then I slip, then I’m awake
Am I uncomfortable, should I change positions
No it’s not my body, it’s my head
The inside of my head
Whirring and whirring like an old, worn out fan
Creaking noises
They sound like they’re laughing at me
I will have the last laugh though
Mine is a world where solutions for problems like these abound
A quick chat, a payment, and a quick gulp is all I need
Slowly, slowly, the shaking subsides
The whirring ebbing backwards now like a tide moving out to sea
The creaking softer, softer
I feel the world lift from my shoulders
Enough for me to stand upright
I like this feeling, the feeling of normal
The feeling that all others take for granted
I like it a lot… and even more when it’s been gone for a while